Empty Cat Box

4th January 2014 - The day Amy died.

I arrived at my dads that evening hoping to find that he'd exaggerated. That my sweet little kitty still had some time left, But he hadn't. She was lying slumped on the hallway floor barely moving. My troublesome wee creature who had somehow managed to be near constantly underfoot for the past 14 years, could hardly stand, let alone walk. A cat that had once grown so fat she waddled, didn't even want to sniff at food. We sat down next to her petting her softly and talking to her, she somehow managed to find the energy to purr for me a little, sweet untill the last. I held her paw and looked into her beautiful big green eyes and I knew. I knew that she had held on for me as long as she could, but that it was time to stop being selfish. It was time to let her go.

The vets smelled like it always did, Disinfectant and wet dog. Amy found the will to meow at me in her same old way as we waited, as if offering me comfort, as if saying goodbye. We got her into the room and settled on a pink blanket and as the vet talked us through everything I clutched at my once plump and lively, now skinny and tired,  Kitty. I heard little of what the vet said, I just kept stroking Amy softly. I had tears in my eyes but I wasn't crying yet. They asked me to pick an urn, I choose a simple pink one. "it's one injection, it'll be just like watching her go to sleep" But it wasn't. It wasn't like watching her go to sleep. It was like watching her die.

As soon as she put the needle in I wanted to scream at her to stop. Tell her I'd made a mistake, I'd changed my mind. But instead I stayed silent as the tears finally spilled over and ran down my face. She pushed the plunger down half way and then removed it. Amy wobbled and the flopped to the table on her side. I held her paw, looked into her eyes and petted her face. The rest of the dose was administered. I just kept petting her and looking into her eyes as she stared back. Her breathing slowed, and the stopped. Then the words "she's gone" My heart stopped. I sank to my knees and sobbed still clutching her paw as she still stared out, because it wasn't just watching her go to sleep. She didn't just close her eyes and drift away. She died, eyes still wide and beautiful but with nothing left behind them. When I could finally stand again I stroked her over and over, I scratched her little ears, she was still warm. But my gorgeous, sweet, loving, clumsy, annoying, amazing companion was gone.

When the vet finally came back in I was still stroking her, looking into her eyes. She asked if I needed more time and I wanted to tell her I needed all the time in the world, that i'd never be ready to leave her behind. But instead I shook my head. I picked up her catbox and we headed to the door. Out in the hallway I looked back at her, still lying on that pink blanket, Fur still black and shiny, big green eyes wide and empty. Then the vet closed the door. And that was it. She was gone. And all I had left was an empty catbox.

Is it just me that has that one song? That one song that makes everything feel okay, just for a moment? It makes Hurts, hurt a little less. It makes the tension ebb and the stress flow out. That one song that gives you just a little bit of peace, even when your life has no peace to offer. And you listen to it over and over and over and yet you never find yourself tired of hearing it, you let the music wash over you and chase the bad away. One song that gives you one perfect glorious moment of reprieve from everything life throws at you and leaves you with the strength to carry on.

For me that piece of music is, Down in the River to Pray by Alison Krauss. Even as an Atheist I find this song enchantingly beautiful. So if your day sucked, or you had a fight with your boyfriend like me, give this song a listen. Let it wash the bad away, even if only for a moment.  

Winter is coming

I'm afraid of Winter and the Darkness it brings. Though I love the feel of frost on my cheek and the beauty of my breath frozen in the air I find that I am afraid. Not of my sickness, but of it's cure. Of the Damp, Muted feeling of living life behind glass. The feeling that I am no longer me, no longer anyone, But just a thing floating by. The Hollow feeling that comes from a laugh I never feel. It's true that they take away the feeling of being trapped in darkness flailing to find a light that isn't there. And the exhaustion, that singular intense desire just to sleep and never wake up. But in turn they rob me of pure burning joy, Of the simple satisfaction of a smile. I am so afraid of living life on auto pilot again, afraid of losing my laugh and forcing expressions. But I am most afraid of losing the way my heart races when you kiss me and the way you make me feel just by looking at me. The easy natural happiness that comes from being with you. Winter is coming but I will fight it all the way.

I'm afraid to be myself, but i can be nobody else

If i lied to you i'd be lying to me

You have no idea how much you scare me
Because now I have you, I could lose you

I didn't lose the battle
I just lost the war
and what is worse than all this darkness
Is that I can't even remember what it is that I was fighting for

And so I close my eyes and down I lay
and pray to a god I don't believe in
That, that is how I stay